Friday, February 14, 2014

Virtue

You don't have to dress sexy for me to like you.

You are beautiful just the way you are.

It's hard to find fault with these statements.  You ARE beautiful just the way you are.  And you SHOULDN'T have to dress provocatively to get attention.  So what's wrong with it?

I'm not sure.  It's difficult to pin down perfectly, because it's webbed into our entire social structure.  There's nothing wrong with it and everything wrong with it.

I was thinking about it this morning, after watching a video a friend shared on facebook.

There's this one.  And then there's this video that my friend shared that got my attention:




"We don't know why
You want a guy
That only cares
What he sees with his eye"
(Read the lyrics from sportsleader.org at the end of this post.)

Ok, I can get behind that message. But there's a more subtle message here that bothers me.

I realized some time last year that there's a sortof "virtue movement" going on, particularly with young people.  The idea seems to be twofold:  first, that you don't have to be sexy to have worth and your appearance should be dictated by personal tastes and not a desire to attract attention; and second that a girl's appearance causes a reaction in the boys that the boys may not like or appreciate.  Dissecting this, the first portion is fine.  You shouldn't have to show skin to get attention; you should be judged on your personal qualities.  And our society does put too much pressure on people to look a certain way, a way that may not even be healthy.  A girl should dress for herself.  But dissecting the second part takes you somewhere a bit more slippery.

A girl's appearance causes a reaction in boys that the boys may not like or appreciate.  Some of the boys put it in the perspective of manners.  They don't want to think of you in only a physical way, but it's hard not to when you're practically naked.  It's impolite for you to cause them to think those "impure thoughts" when they don't really want to.  In a way, I do think that it's impolite to impose your sexual presence on other people.  Whether you are male or female, showing too much has always been considered in poor taste.  And there's certainly a lot of tasteless fashion out there these days.  But as a matter of taste, mainly it's just annoying to those who have to look at your "I'm with Stupid" tee shirts or your low-hanging pants.  Right?  I just shake my head.  Those people aren't making me think anything other than what an idiot they are.  But what about this idea that it's maybe sortof a violation of privacy to interject your sexuality into a guy's perfectly peaceful day and change this thoughts for the next few minutes?

Some people think this "modesty movement" is a women's movement.  That girls and women are behind it, wanting to be appreciated for their personality and not their appearance.  I don't think it is.  Women may want those things, but the writing I've read is mostly written by men, particularly young men.  It's not often you hear teenage boys wishing for less skin, right?  So it got my attention.  They say they can't concentrate when you wear shorts or tank tops.  That it's not fair for you to dress that way and take their mind off liking you for you.  Poor things.  It's a power trip.

That's right, it's about power.

After much thought, I realized that what women are doing when they dress provocatively is that they are taking power away from the men.  Men can't concentrate when they are distracted by a sexy female.  It takes over the conversation, their inner thoughts even.  It is a violation of privacy.  And that is why women do it.  That is why women have always done it.  Because this is the power that we have.  It is such a rush to know that you can control a man's thoughts, even his actions for a little while.  That you can get noticed, can direct the conversation for a little while.  Women are usually smaller and less physically strong.  But women have used this tactic to get ahead at home, in politics and in business for time immemorial.  In many places and in many times, it is the only power women have had.

The modesty movement subtly plays into rape culture.  It promotes the idea that women are making men think a certain way and the men just can't help it.  Probably they can't help their thoughts.  This is a hard-wired thing, and it's integral to our humanity.  Women have thoughts too, by the way.  And we are imposed on just as much if a man reveals his maleness in a way we find attractive.  But men can help their actions.  There is a huge difference between thinking "wow...I'd really like to...." and "I'm going to...whether she likes it or not."  So this whole "she was asking for it" thing is just absurd.  However in places where women are required to cover up their skin, the argument is inevitably made that they are safer that way.  That they are valued for their skills and personality and not for their sexual beauty.  That clothing that obscures their sexuality promotes their equality.  What it does is it takes away their power.

These men want women to give up their power.  Because it's impolite.  Damn straight it's impolite.  I'll wear what I want, thank you.




Virtue Makes You Beautiful Lyrics
1
2
3 Dressing modest, we know it is rough
When the world is making it so tough
Don’t need short skirts or low cut shirts
Being the way that you are is enough ou ough
Everyone else doesn’t seem to care
Everyone but you
Baby you light up the world like nobody else
By the way that you speak and respect yourself
Girls with integrity are hard to find these days
You gotta know Oh Oh
You are so beautiful
If only you saw what I can see
You’d understand why I need your modesty
Right now I’m talking to you and you must believe
You gotta know Oh Oh
Virtue is so beautiful oh oh oh
That’s what makes you beautiful
Yo, big men…only think of the girls that are virtuous baby
.So c-come on
Must have it wrong
.To prove we are right we put it in a song.
We don’t know why (you, you ,you)
You’d want a guy
That only cares what he sees with his eyes (here here)
Everyone else doesn’t seem to care
Everyone else but you
Baby you light up the world like nobody else
By the way that you speak and respect yourself
Girls with integrity are hard to find this days
You gotta know Oh Oh
You are so beautiful
If only you saw what I can see
You’d understand why I need your modesty
Right now I’m talking to you and you must believe
You gotta know oh oh
Virtue is so beautiful oh oh oh
That’s what makes you beautiful
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na

(Softly)
Baby you light up the world like nobody else
By the way that you speak and respect yourself
Girls with integrity are hard to find these days
You gotta know Oh Oh
You are so beautiful
(Louder)
Baby you light up the world like nobody else
By the way that you speak and respect yourself
Girls with integrity are hard to find these days
You gotta know Oh Oh
You are so beautiful
If only you saw what I can see
You’d understand why I need your modesty
Right now I’m talking to you and you must believe
You gotta know oh oh
Virtue is so beautiful oh oh oh
That’s what makes you beautiful
That’s what makes you beautiful

Some more reading:

And this one I just like:  4000 Years of Uppity Women

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Women of my generation decided that the supermom thing was bogus.  We decided to stay home and raise our children.  We innocently thought that we would do our best, spend our years with our children and then go back to work.  But many have found that after even just a few years, they cannot resume the careers they left.

I have observed that many women are beginning to get the feeling that their decisions to be housewives or stay at home moms for a time may turn out to be irreversible.  It's true that some of it is possibly our "fault."  At this point in our lives, we are loathe to take shitty jobs that we might have settled for right out of college.  It's simply not worth it for us to make less to work more than the part-time and freelance gigs we have now, or go completely back to the beginning.  It is simply not worth it to drive an hour each way to work.  Women feel that their education and experience, including life experience, is valuable.  Employers, apparently, do not.

When I make a comment that, as soon as my knee is healed, I will go back to waitressing, my friends are aghast.  "Surely," they say, "you should be doing something else.  You have skills, you have talent."  That may be, but either there is not a place I fit, or there is not a need for my skills, or I am not effectively conveying those skills in my resume, my letters or my interviews.  The truth is that I really couldn't even get hired as a waitress without relying on personal connections.  Thankfully, I have a job, and one that I like.  But I am underemployed and underearning.

This whole thing makes me wonder:  What untapped talent must be quietly folding laundry and cooking dinners all across our great country?  What great minds and strong backs must be keeping schedules and running fundraisers?  I am not sad that this talent is going to the benefit of our children and our society.  But I am disappointed that when women want to go back to work, they kindof can't.  And I am concerned that the realization of this phenomenon will place women in a position where they must make a life choice at a young age:  be a mother OR have a career.